So, I got a strange email from the mom yesterday. Apparently my dad has prostate cancer. It runs in his family, so I guess no one is surprised. I feel such a strange disconnect right now from all of this, and I'm sort of glad for that. It helps me be able to look at all of this from the outside instead of being drawn in to the mess. Of course at the end of the email, my mom requested that we all put my dad's name on the prayer roll at our nearest temple and that we continually kneel and pray for his health.
Of course when I emailed her back (bad daughter...no phone call!!) I said I would, but I really have no intentions to call the BR Temple or get down on my knees and pray. Do I want my dad to die? Of course not! But I can say that I haven't knelt down and prayed in well over 4 years, and there has been no change in my life. I always thought if I didn't say my prayers "religiously" hahaha... that I would feel a distance from my "Heavenly Father" and I never desired that. Well, then my religious fervor went south and I slowly let that habit slip away. And guess what?!? I feel no different. So either I was never close before or...I really have no answer.
I can remember the countless times growing up I would be alone, on my knees, crying and praying for one thing or another, and I never got that feeling that people always talk about, that "burning in my bosom" or even to hear the "still small voice." Why didn't I?? What was wrong with me? I was as faithful as the next person! What was I doing wrong??
I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I haven't made a decision about any of that. Let's just say the verdict is still out on that one. What I'm saying is that I'm tired of being told if I do certain things, I will receive certain things. Yeah, that's not true. (I also paid my tithing till I was blue in the face and stayed at home to raise my small children instead of working, because that is a woman's place you know, and all it got me was a bunch o' debt and crippling depression!! But that's a story for another day I suppose.)
So, I will trust in modern medicine. I will give my dad good health advice about improving his other aspects of health. I will send nice cards, emails, and who knows...maybe even a phone call. But I won't get down on my knees and I won't pray. I don't have time for anymore disappointment in my life.
**And as a side note, I just wanted to list one of my latest pet peeves. I live in the super religious south and I constantly read "prayers your way" on Facebook. Sorry, folks. I think that is super lame. Rant over**
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Teach Me How to Jimmer...
With the rising popularity of Jimmer Fredette, I find that more people are interested in the Y. (Hahaha...I hate calling it that. It sounds like you're going to school @ the YMCA. No one should call it that, just like on Arrested Development when they call it the O.C. instead of Orange County...don't call it that!) That coupled with that dude who had sex with his girlfriend and confessed and got kicked off the basketball team? BYU is all the rage at school. (And by all the rage, I mean only with male teachers, because female teachers have no idea about anything athletic, apparently.)
So, of course, the questions begin...you went there? You really didn't drink? You never had sex? Well...I did have sex, but I was a child bride at 20, so technically I was good to go, bitches!! And of course they look at the woman I am today and are totally perplexed as to how I was able to maintain attendance at such a prestigious university. So I remind them, I am not who I once was. I was, by all appearances, the perfect Mormon girl. I wouldn't think of wearing immodest clothing or say such awful swear words, watch rated R movies, drink anything harder than the occasional diet coke...the list goes on of course!
This is not who I am today. Now, I think I am still a very moral person. When I was shopping for Christmas, I was paying at Best Buy and I was supposed to just get change back but the lady gave me a twenty and change. Who couldn't use 20 bucks, especially at Christmas? But I knew it wasn't my money, and I gave it back. I think that having integrity is still important, that hasn't changed I suppose. But I will no longer kill myself to live by a set of rules that I don't think makes me any better as a person. I wear clothes that I feel I look good in, but not slutty...I am a teacher! I swear like a sailor when I play basketball, and also sometimes when I'm frustrated, or when I'm helping my husband take his flak gun off the back of his truck...don't ask, but believe me it hurt like hell. Basically, I'm a classy lady who says "fuck" a lot. Oh, and I drink alcohol. Growing up I never had the slightest desire to drink alcohol, and I had plenty of opportunities to! But I never did...until I started teaching here. Now I go out a couple times a month with other teachers and we have a good time. And now I understand why people drink! It is actually fun! I'm still not crazy about the taste of alcohol, and I know I will never be a beer drinker, but I enjoy trying new things. Does this make me a bad person? No, I don't believe so.
But having to think back on my time at BYU has made me realize a few things. I honestly did love going to school there. I said it when I lived there and I'll say it again, I would never raise a family in Utah, but I really did enjoy going to school in Provo. I felt safe, it was very clean, there were plenty of activities, and I felt like I had to work hard to do well because the competition was fierce. Did I miss out on your typical college experience? Absolutely. But I do not resent having attended BYU in the least, and I'm glad that I can say that.
My life at 30 is not anything like where I thought I would be. But I am learning to love the new me, even though she is completely different from what so many people expect of me. I think I'm fun, I think I'm honest with myself, I think I'm driven, I think I'm a good mom, and I think I'm a great wife. In the grand scheme of things, I think that's pretty great.
So, of course, the questions begin...you went there? You really didn't drink? You never had sex? Well...I did have sex, but I was a child bride at 20, so technically I was good to go, bitches!! And of course they look at the woman I am today and are totally perplexed as to how I was able to maintain attendance at such a prestigious university. So I remind them, I am not who I once was. I was, by all appearances, the perfect Mormon girl. I wouldn't think of wearing immodest clothing or say such awful swear words, watch rated R movies, drink anything harder than the occasional diet coke...the list goes on of course!
This is not who I am today. Now, I think I am still a very moral person. When I was shopping for Christmas, I was paying at Best Buy and I was supposed to just get change back but the lady gave me a twenty and change. Who couldn't use 20 bucks, especially at Christmas? But I knew it wasn't my money, and I gave it back. I think that having integrity is still important, that hasn't changed I suppose. But I will no longer kill myself to live by a set of rules that I don't think makes me any better as a person. I wear clothes that I feel I look good in, but not slutty...I am a teacher! I swear like a sailor when I play basketball, and also sometimes when I'm frustrated, or when I'm helping my husband take his flak gun off the back of his truck...don't ask, but believe me it hurt like hell. Basically, I'm a classy lady who says "fuck" a lot. Oh, and I drink alcohol. Growing up I never had the slightest desire to drink alcohol, and I had plenty of opportunities to! But I never did...until I started teaching here. Now I go out a couple times a month with other teachers and we have a good time. And now I understand why people drink! It is actually fun! I'm still not crazy about the taste of alcohol, and I know I will never be a beer drinker, but I enjoy trying new things. Does this make me a bad person? No, I don't believe so.
But having to think back on my time at BYU has made me realize a few things. I honestly did love going to school there. I said it when I lived there and I'll say it again, I would never raise a family in Utah, but I really did enjoy going to school in Provo. I felt safe, it was very clean, there were plenty of activities, and I felt like I had to work hard to do well because the competition was fierce. Did I miss out on your typical college experience? Absolutely. But I do not resent having attended BYU in the least, and I'm glad that I can say that.
My life at 30 is not anything like where I thought I would be. But I am learning to love the new me, even though she is completely different from what so many people expect of me. I think I'm fun, I think I'm honest with myself, I think I'm driven, I think I'm a good mom, and I think I'm a great wife. In the grand scheme of things, I think that's pretty great.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The surest cure for vanity is loneliness.
Do you ever feel lonely? Just plain old, down in the dumps, nobody likes me, everybody hates me lonely? That's how I feel right now. And I rarely feel this way, so I'm obviously down today. And it's not that I'm not around people. I am literally constantly surrounded by people! I am a teacher, so on any given day I interact with well over a hundred different students and other teachers/adults, but I'm still lonely.
Almost five years ago, we left the comfort of our families and moved south in a job transfer. My whole life has flipped turned upside down in those past five years. I am a mere sliver of who I used to be, but in my opinion it is for the better. I am happier, now that I work. I am a better mom and wife and I feel so much more accomplished. Being a stay-at-home mom just wasn't for me, and I'm glad I got to realize that. I've also made changes in my religions perspective. I was born and raised Mormon. Baptized at 8, church every Sunday, early morning Seminary every school day at 6 am so that I could look good on my application to Brigham Young University. I was accepted, and met and married my husband (in the temple, of course) all before turning 21. Fortunately, I finished my education and got my degree before I started a family.
Yet, since moving here, I have felt a complete disconnect from the religion that I was raised to love. Being taught that I belonged to the one true church on the earth always gave me a sense of pride and relief; pride because I was a good person and would carry that banner to all the ends of the earth, and relief that when Christ would come again, I would have it made because I had been a faithful member. I had never been tried in my religion, really. But as I sat looking around the church one day here, I realized I wanted to be like no one that was in that building. It was filled with liars, enablers, adulterers, and I felt that if this was indeed the one true Church, I should expect to be able to come in and find a higher caliber of people. This was the furthest thing from true.
Of course there is much more to the story as to why I no longer attend church, but that is all for another day I suppose. But I guess my point is that I used to be able to rely on my religion for instant friendships, which I thought were deep but in hindsight, were built on nothing, really. Once I no longer wanted to participate in church activities, these people turned their backs. I found that these relationships were built solely on the fact that we both belonged to an organization, nothing more.
So, those friends are gone, and I have a total disconnect from my family as well, because they are far away in distance as well as far away in understanding. Again, this will be for another day. I have no family that I can turn to to have a conversation any deeper than what car we drive now and the name of our new dog. I think that is it...I want someone who I can sit down and tell the deepest part of sorrows to and they will understand me and won't judge me. But I don't have that. So, I will continue to sit in solitude with just me and my thoughts, and maybe someday I will have that friendship that I really long for.
Almost five years ago, we left the comfort of our families and moved south in a job transfer. My whole life has flipped turned upside down in those past five years. I am a mere sliver of who I used to be, but in my opinion it is for the better. I am happier, now that I work. I am a better mom and wife and I feel so much more accomplished. Being a stay-at-home mom just wasn't for me, and I'm glad I got to realize that. I've also made changes in my religions perspective. I was born and raised Mormon. Baptized at 8, church every Sunday, early morning Seminary every school day at 6 am so that I could look good on my application to Brigham Young University. I was accepted, and met and married my husband (in the temple, of course) all before turning 21. Fortunately, I finished my education and got my degree before I started a family.
Yet, since moving here, I have felt a complete disconnect from the religion that I was raised to love. Being taught that I belonged to the one true church on the earth always gave me a sense of pride and relief; pride because I was a good person and would carry that banner to all the ends of the earth, and relief that when Christ would come again, I would have it made because I had been a faithful member. I had never been tried in my religion, really. But as I sat looking around the church one day here, I realized I wanted to be like no one that was in that building. It was filled with liars, enablers, adulterers, and I felt that if this was indeed the one true Church, I should expect to be able to come in and find a higher caliber of people. This was the furthest thing from true.
Of course there is much more to the story as to why I no longer attend church, but that is all for another day I suppose. But I guess my point is that I used to be able to rely on my religion for instant friendships, which I thought were deep but in hindsight, were built on nothing, really. Once I no longer wanted to participate in church activities, these people turned their backs. I found that these relationships were built solely on the fact that we both belonged to an organization, nothing more.
So, those friends are gone, and I have a total disconnect from my family as well, because they are far away in distance as well as far away in understanding. Again, this will be for another day. I have no family that I can turn to to have a conversation any deeper than what car we drive now and the name of our new dog. I think that is it...I want someone who I can sit down and tell the deepest part of sorrows to and they will understand me and won't judge me. But I don't have that. So, I will continue to sit in solitude with just me and my thoughts, and maybe someday I will have that friendship that I really long for.
Monday, March 14, 2011
I'm sure you are wondering about the title...
...or maybe you're not, and that's ok, too. I've been inspired to start writing a blog for no audience in particular. I'm finding that I have more and more to say but I am horrible at talking it out, so I've decided to express my displeasure with the world in an online forum.
That being said, I had to come up with a title for this blog, and it had to be funny and eye-catching, just like me. (Hardy har har har....) Thinking about possible titles made me think of a semi-important parable, that being the parable of the pants-less mother-in-law. And now, without further ado...
There once was a mother-in-law that could rival the world's worst mother-in-law. She hated herself, and in doing so, hated anything good around her. This awful woman did bring forth a decent son, who in turn married a pretty kick-ass chick, if I do say so myself. Well, the evil mother-in-law hated the daughter-in-law with all of her enlarged heart and did try to make her life miserable. But the daughter-in-law did have a secret. She knew that even though said m-i-l would do her best to appear flawless to all of society, when at home she lounged about in nothing but her t-shirt and underwear bottoms. She lived a slothful life, never cooking or cleaning and rarely showering. One day while discussing the m-i-l, husband said to his fair bride "I wonder what my mom could do to make herself happy." The sweet daughter-in-law thought for a second and replied, "I'm not quite sure, but I do know that the first step to happiness is putting on pants."
That being said, I had to come up with a title for this blog, and it had to be funny and eye-catching, just like me. (Hardy har har har....) Thinking about possible titles made me think of a semi-important parable, that being the parable of the pants-less mother-in-law. And now, without further ado...
There once was a mother-in-law that could rival the world's worst mother-in-law. She hated herself, and in doing so, hated anything good around her. This awful woman did bring forth a decent son, who in turn married a pretty kick-ass chick, if I do say so myself. Well, the evil mother-in-law hated the daughter-in-law with all of her enlarged heart and did try to make her life miserable. But the daughter-in-law did have a secret. She knew that even though said m-i-l would do her best to appear flawless to all of society, when at home she lounged about in nothing but her t-shirt and underwear bottoms. She lived a slothful life, never cooking or cleaning and rarely showering. One day while discussing the m-i-l, husband said to his fair bride "I wonder what my mom could do to make herself happy." The sweet daughter-in-law thought for a second and replied, "I'm not quite sure, but I do know that the first step to happiness is putting on pants."
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