Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

So, I got a strange email from the mom yesterday. Apparently my dad has prostate cancer. It runs in his family, so I guess no one is surprised. I feel such a strange disconnect right now from all of this, and I'm sort of glad for that. It helps me be able to look at all of this from the outside instead of being drawn in to the mess. Of course at the end of the email, my mom requested that we all put my dad's name on the prayer roll at our nearest temple and that we continually kneel and pray for his health.

Of course when I emailed her back (bad daughter...no phone call!!) I said I would, but I really have no intentions to call the BR Temple or get down on my knees and pray. Do I want my dad to die? Of course not! But I can say that I haven't knelt down and prayed in well over 4 years, and there has been no change in my life. I always thought if I didn't say my prayers "religiously" hahaha... that I would feel a distance from my "Heavenly Father" and I never desired that. Well, then my religious fervor went south and I slowly let that habit slip away. And guess what?!? I feel no different. So either I was never close before or...I really have no answer. 

I can remember the countless times growing up I would be alone, on my knees, crying and praying for one thing or another, and I never got that feeling that people always talk about, that "burning in my bosom" or even to hear the "still small voice." Why didn't I?? What was wrong with me? I was as faithful as the next person! What was I doing wrong??

I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I haven't made a decision about any of that. Let's just say the verdict is still out on that one. What I'm saying is that I'm tired of being told if I do certain things, I will receive certain things. Yeah, that's not true. (I also paid my tithing till I was blue in the face and stayed at home to raise my small children instead of working, because that is a woman's place you know, and all it got me was a bunch o' debt and crippling depression!! But that's a story for another day I suppose.)

So, I will trust in modern medicine. I will give my dad good health advice about improving his other aspects of health. I will send nice cards, emails, and who knows...maybe even a phone call. But I won't get down on my knees and I won't pray. I don't have time for anymore disappointment in my life.

**And as a side note, I just wanted to list one of my latest pet peeves. I live in the super religious south and I constantly read "prayers your way" on  Facebook. Sorry, folks. I think that is super lame. Rant over**