The surest cure for vanity is loneliness.

Do you ever feel lonely? Just plain old, down in the dumps, nobody likes me, everybody hates me lonely? That's how I feel right now. And I rarely feel this way, so I'm obviously down today. And it's not that I'm not around people. I am literally constantly surrounded by people! I am a teacher, so on any given day I interact with well over a hundred different students and other teachers/adults, but I'm still lonely.

Almost five years ago, we left the comfort of our families and moved south in a job transfer. My whole life has flipped turned upside down in those past five years. I am a mere sliver of who I used to be, but in my opinion it is for the better. I am happier, now that I work. I am a better mom and wife and I feel so much more accomplished. Being a stay-at-home mom just wasn't for me, and I'm glad I got to realize that. I've also made changes in my religions perspective. I was born and raised Mormon. Baptized at 8, church every Sunday, early morning Seminary every school day at 6 am so that I could look good on my application to Brigham Young University. I was accepted, and met and married my husband (in the temple, of course) all before turning 21. Fortunately, I finished my education and got my degree before I started a family.

Yet, since moving here, I have felt a complete disconnect from the religion that I was raised to love. Being taught that I belonged to the one true church on the earth always gave me a sense of pride and relief; pride because I was a good person and would carry that banner to all the ends of the earth, and relief that when Christ would come again, I would have it made because I had been a faithful member. I had never been tried in my religion, really. But as I sat looking around the church one day here, I realized I wanted to be like no one that was in that building. It was filled with liars, enablers, adulterers, and I felt that if this was indeed the one true Church, I should expect to be able to come in and find a higher caliber of people. This was the furthest thing from true.

Of course there is much more to the story as to why I no longer attend church, but that is all for another day I suppose. But I guess my point is that I used to be able to rely on my religion for instant friendships, which I thought were deep but in hindsight, were built on nothing, really. Once I no longer wanted to participate in church activities, these people turned their backs. I found that these relationships were built solely on the fact that we both belonged to an organization, nothing more.

So, those friends are gone, and I have a total disconnect from my family as well, because they are far away in distance as well as far away in understanding. Again, this will be for another day. I have no family that I can turn to to have a conversation any deeper than what car we drive now and the name of our new dog. I think that is it...I want someone who I can sit down and tell the deepest part of sorrows to and they will understand me and won't judge me. But I don't have that. So, I will continue to sit in solitude with just me and my thoughts, and maybe someday I will have that friendship that I really long for.